Casa Beebe

In the depths

“Action is the antidote to despair.”
~Joan Baez
Life is not all sunshine and flowers. Some days are hard. Some days the light from within is hiding behind all of the old darkness. Some days the flame of inpiration is flickering and fading.
I have been going through a time of waning enthusiasm; a time of a fading of my own light.


There are a number of factors that have led my light to feel dim:
Emotional baggage.
Too much sugar in my diet.
Hormonal imbalances.
A feeling of lack of progress; fighting the same battles again and again.
I am attempting to lead a life of inspiration. I am attempting to live the life I want to have right now.
This does not mean I will not have days or periods of time where I feel weak, sad, lonely or a failure.
I feel as though I want to crawl into a hole and cover up with a blanket and just wait it all out. But I know, I KNOW, if I do that, all my forward progress, momentum and current success will be lost.
My energy level is low. My light is dim.
But I must find it within me, somehow, some WAY, to continue.
I am filled with conflict. On one hand I want to recede within myself; ignore my friends and supporters; close the doors, turn out the lights and be alone. On the other hand I know that now, more than when I am on fire, I NEED the support, motivation, cheering and love of my friends and mentors.
I cannot go it alone at this point. Nor should I.
I need to be accountable. I need to open myself to the words of truth these friends and supporters offer. I need to fan my own flame and support my own future.
Why does the light flicker and fade? I do not know. Perhaps I have not yet learned enough. Perhaps the flickering and fading and re-brightening of the light teaches me something about myself each time. Perhaps I need to prove that I am stronger. Perhaps there are lessons still to learn.
One thing I know for certain: I can never give up. I can not live with self loathing. I can not survive a life filled with desolate feelings of despair.
I must find a way. I must find a path. I must find a way to brighten my flickering light. It is there, within me. I just need to turn up the dial.
I must find a way, for I can not go back the way I came. I can not fail. I can not succumb. I must press on. I must find success. I must find the inspiration.
“What is to give light must endure burning.”
 ~Viktor Frankl


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This entry was posted on August 15, 2011 by in inspiration, mood.
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