Or rather, where have I been?
Honestly, all, I don’t even know what day it is…I have had to keep reminding myself all day that today is Thursday, not Friday.
I don’t know if you recall, but I am in the midst of a crazy couple of weeks of school. I did it to myself, but truly, it is taking all of my energy to keep up with the absolute basics.
I go to class, I am packing my foods, I prepare meals, and I do homework. I try to fit kitty play time and actually interacting with my husband in there somewhere, too. In the midst of that, I am still trying to take care of the usual household stuff like groceries, getting gas in the car, dishes and laundry. Not to mention getting the taxes organized and paying the bills.
I may have gone ’round the bend crazy.
Thank the heavens my instructor for today had a conference in Dallas and I got a slight reprieve: no class. Woohoo! This didn’t mean no school work, but it meant I didn’t have to get up, get ready and be somewhere. I spent a good portion of the day in my sweats on the futon with my school work and my kitty.
My exercise routine, which I thought I might be able to manage a couple days a week has completely fallen by the wayside. I fully intend to pick back up, but these two weekend classes have totally zapped my energy.
I am not a super high energy person to begin with, but when stress and anxiety are added into the mix, I seriously struggle to get all the things done I absolutely MUST get done without adding any more stress to the mix. Right now, the not exercising is good and bad. Good because it is one more thing that I could beat myself up over or stress about getting accomplished, and bad because it would probably help manage my anxiety a bit better.
Speaking of, I headed to the doctor today. My anxiety (or panic-whatever) has reared its ugly head again in my life. I thought perhaps that I had learned enough techniques to manage it, but the last few years have been pretty emotionally overwhelming. I think that all of the stuff that has happened (Kendra, moving, mom), and the ongoing stress of a single income, not having a job, going to school, and an unknown future are all starting to get to me. The compounding nature of things has increased my stress levels to the point where I am not managing them. They are managing me.
Many years ago I waited to long to get help for my anxiety/panic and was seriously debilitated by it. I don’t want that to happen again. Yesterday I had an anxiety/panic attack for no reason in the middle of a movie at school (not my first panic attack at school this term-super fun!). It is massively horrible to feel stuck someplace and be panicking. I didn’t want to get my anxiety meds out of my purse because I was in a theater and didn’t want to make a bunch of noise. This adds more panic. It is a yucky catch 22 roller coaster feeling. So I tried to breathe. And wiggle. Wiggling helps burn off the adrenaline feelings. Eventually it subsided and I congratulated myself on another successful survival without freakout. Yay me!
Today I saw my doc and we added a daily med for anxiety to my “as needed for panic” med. I am so grateful to have this available to me. I hope it helps and I can start to feel calmer in the days ahead. Though we have made great strides in this arena, there is still a TON of stigma associated with anxiety/panic and other mental disorders. Having grown up in a family with some pretty significant mental disorders, I try to be an advocate for people getting help. It is not your fault! There is help available! There is no reason to suffer needlessly through depression, anxiety, panic, mania or other The meds DO help!
I know that often, in the midst of the fog of the crazy, it can be hard to think rationally and functionally. Try. Try to get help if you need it.
So that is my post for today. I am hoping the meds kick in over the next week or so and I start to get some relief. School should calm down a bit after this next week, too, and that will help.
I have more to do, so better get to it! Have a great Thursday or Tuesday or whatever day it is!